


Holly Hijinx

by scarlettcat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Explicit Language, F/M, Hogwarts Era, Humor, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-02
Updated: 2011-12-02
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:56:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettcat/pseuds/scarlettcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione and Draco deck the halls, but they would rather be decking the Weasley twins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holly Hijinx

**Author's Note:**

> My prompt was "holly", but I bet you've already guessed that! Thank you to whoever nominated me and to the mods for being so patient and putting on this wonderful fest. And thanks to RZZMG for making me such a fun banner. Happy Holidays!

“I can't believe I have to take orders from a frigging portrait all year,” grumbled Malfoy as soon as the door closed behind them. “And an annoying one at that.”

Hermione glared at him. “It's bad enough that you talk about the Headmaster that way, but to not even show respect for the dearly departed is truly despicable, Malfoy.”

“I would respect him a whole lot more if he had actually departed instead of sticking around to ruin my life. Why can't he snore on the wall like the rest of them?”

“Perhaps he has unfinished business to attend to.”

“Then he should have come back as a ghost and haunted me properly instead of doing all of this underhanded shit. Even in death, Dumbledore is a manipulative bastard.”

“Malfoy! Portrait or not, you should show him respect and refer to him as Professor Dumbledore or Headmaster.”

“I killed him; I think I can be on a last name basis with him,” Draco replied sarcastically.

Hermione gritted her teeth in annoyance. She hated when he was so flippant about last year's events. She suspected that it was just his way of dealing with the guilt, but it still made her want to slap him upside the head. “Let's just get this over with.”

“You get it over with if you're so eager,” huffed Malfoy, stomping angrily down the moving staircase. “Dumbledore is completely daft if he thinks I'm actually going to go along with this outrageous scheme of his. Just because he gave me the stupid title of Head Boy doesn't mean I have to be his lackey.”

“The only thing stupid about Head Boy is that the boy is you,” she retorted, following close behind him. “And hanging holly is not an outrageous scheme. It's tradition.”

“Yeah, for house-elves.”

“Muggles hang holly...” began Hermione.

“Are you trying to make me feel worse?”

“Poor Malfoy,” she said unsympathetically. “Stuck doing the work of house-elves. Perhaps now you'll know how they feel.”

“You still don't get it, Granger. House-elves like to do this kind of shit. For Merlin knows what reason, it makes them happy. Unlike those lumpy ass hats you keep making. Why don't you take up a real cause? Preferably one with a name that doesn't make people want to vomit.”

They rode the stairs in silence until she finally fumed, “How about H.O.L.L.Y.? Helping Organize Lazy Losers for Yule.”

“Or S.W.O.T.,” he shot back. “Stupid Waste Of Time. Maybe I could knit you a muzzle.” Stepping off the staircase, he walked quickly down the corridor at a pace not conducive for polite conversation. Fortunately, they rarely, if ever, indulged in polite conversation.

Quickening her pace to catch up to him, she said angrily, “You didn't have to accept the position of Head Boy you know.”

“I wouldn't have if I knew it meant spending all of my free time with you,” he sneered.

“You could always quit.”

“Malfoys don't quit.”

Hermione snorted in response.

“We don't quit unless it's advantageous,” Malfoy clarified. “And giving Head Boy to some twat like Macmillan is not advantageous.”

“I think Ernie Macmillan would make a fine Head Boy. Better than you anyway.”

“Please,” scoffed Malfoy. “He has as much authority as a Pygmy Puff. You'd be spending all of your time freeing him from locked broom closets and escorting him to the Hospital Wing.”

“At least I wouldn't be in the Hospital Wing. Every time we have to work together, I end up sprouting horns or painful boils in not-so-nice places.”

“Sounds like a personal problem,” Malfoy replied, making a quick left at the end of the corridor.

“You're going in the wrong direction.”

“I think I know which direction my bed is in. And unless you're the girl I can't remember from last Friday night, I'm pretty sure you don't.”

“Believe me when I say the very thought of going to your bedroom repulses me on every level.”

“Then quit following me.”

“You are not getting out of this,” Hermione persisted. “Professor Dumbledore asked both of us to do this, and as Heads, it's our duty to do it whether we like it or not.”

“Well, I don't like it.”

“Neither do I!”

“We finally agree on something.”

“Why do you always have to make such a big deal out of everything? It's not like he asked you to put your life on the line to save the entire Wizarding World. All we have to do is hang holly.”

“Without magic. I bet Dumbledore never took Potter's wand away from him.”

“You can hardly equate hanging holly with fighting Voldemort. Hanging holly isn't going to kill you. Besides, you can't really blame Professor Dumbledore for taking our wands away. Not after what happened last time.”

“That was your fault,” he accused. “You set my robes on fire.”

“After you turned my hair into snakes.”

“That was an improvement.”

“And you think you being on fire wasn't?”

“I had to go to the Hospital Wing.”

“So did I. In fact, every time we've worked together we've ended up in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey must have complained.”

“All the more reason we shouldn't work together.”

“If you don't turn around right now...”

“You'll what? Hex me?” he taunted.

If the Headmaster hadn't taken her wand away, she would have hexed him, or at the very least, poked him in the eye. But as she didn't have her wand, she did the next best thing – she stuck her foot out. He fell to the floor with a thud. Smirking down at him, she said, “Wandless Tripping Jinx.”

“Wandless Jelly Legs Jinx,” Malfoy countered, pulling her legs out from under her.

“Oof! Stinging Hex,” she responded, slapping him across the face.

“Full Body Binding Curse.”

“Malfoy! Get off me!”

“Not until you say I don't have to decorate the Great Hall with you.”

“Forget it. I can easily get out of your pathetic Full Body Binding Curse.”

“Oh yeah? Let's see you then.”

“Finite,” she replied with a knee to his groin. Malfoy doubled over with a groan and fell sideways off of her. “Now,” she said, standing up and brushing herself off, “let's stop this nonsense before we end up in the Hospital Wing again. Because the next wandless curse I use is probably going to be an Unforgivable, and no, I haven't decided which one yet.”

Malfoy glared at her but stood up and started walking in the direction of the Great Hall. “I don't see why we can't delegate someone else to do it. Any idiot would do. Here come two right now.”

“Fred. George,” said Hermione in surprise. “What are you two doing here?”

“Yeah, didn't we already get rid of you once?” Malfoy muttered.

“Mum made us come back to take our N.E.W.T.s,” said Fred.

“Apparently, running a successful business wasn't good enough for her,” added George. “She seems to think all we do is goof around.”

“I think she may have a point,” Hermione lectured. “Isn't that what you're doing right now? And after curfew.”

“We were working on extra credit for Herbology,” Fred protested.

“Which just coincidentally involved a lot of goofing around,” said George, grinning.

Hermione's eyes narrowed. “Since when do you two do extra school work voluntarily?”

“Well, it wasn't exactly voluntary,” Fred admitted. “We were recruited.”

“By Dumbledore.”

“So, as it's official school business, you can't dock points from us.”

“Official school business,” said Hermione skeptically. “How come I don't know anything about this?”

“Probably because it has to do with House Unity which you know nothing about. You and Malfoy can't do anything together without hexes flying.”

“That's not true. We're working together now, and we haven't hexed one another. Well, not really.“

“Did Dumbledore take away your wands?”

“The point is that as Heads we should be involved.”

“Leave me out of it,” said Malfoy. “I don't want to be united with any stupid Houses. Or Ravenclaw either.”

“Gryffindor is not stupid,” said Hermione defensively. “I'm top of the class, not some pompous Ravenclaw. And everyone knows Slytherin is the worst House. It's made up of the students even Hufflepuff won't take. You got stuck with Crabbe and Goyle, didn't you?”

“Spoken like a true House unifier,” quipped Fred.

Hermione scowled. “And what makes you two such exemplary role models?”

“We unite people through our joke products,” said George.

“We sold a case of Dungbombs to Slytherin just yesterday, and now we're delivering an emergency supply of Puking Pastilles to Ravenclaw,” added Fred, holding up a purple bag.

“You can't have those!” exclaimed Hermione. “Puking Pastilles are number one hundred seventy on Filch's Banned List. I'll have to confiscate those.”

“But we just made them.”

“I'm sorry,” said Hermione unsympathetically, taking the bag away. “But you should know the rules, especially since you two are the reason most of them were enacted.”

“Fifty points from Gryffindor.” Malfoy smirked.

“That's unfair!”

Hermione shrugged. “I would have taken away more.”

“I meant fifty points for each violation,” Malfoy quickly amended.

“We only violated one rule,” Fred pointed out.

George nodded. “That you know of."

Malfoy looked in the bag Hermione was holding. “Yes, but you violated it ten times.”

“But that's five hundred points!”

Hermione only said, “Well, you did break the rules.”

“I see how it is,” said Fred. “You scratch his back, and he scratches yours. And here we thought you and Malfoy weren't capable of House Unity.”

“They just like to do their unification in private,” agreed George.

“So what are you two naughty kids doing out after curfew?” asked Fred, smirking. “Performing head... duties?”

“Their job must suck,” George joked.

“Fifty points for making me want to puke.”

Hermione glared at Malfoy and the twins. “We're on our way to decorate the Great Hall with boughs of holly.”

“Fa la la la la la la la la la!” sang the twins a little over enthusiastically.

“And another fifty points for being annoying.”

“That's alright,” said Fred jovially. “We'll be earning a lot of points off of Dumbledore once we complete this House Unity project. That manipulative bastard is going to flip his frame when he sees our project in action.”

The twins left, singing The Song That Must Not Be Named.

“Why didn't you yell at them for being disrespectful?” grumbled Malfoy.

“They can't be redeemed,” said Hermione dismissively, heading for the Great Hall.

After a pause, Malfoy asked, “And you think I can be redeemed?”

“Well,” said Hermione uncomfortably. “I suppose I do. Harry told me what happened on the Astronomy Tower. I know that you didn't want to kill Professor Dumbledore, and I know that you couldn't go through with it. I also know that witnessing his death is the reason you switched sides.”

“Know-it-all,” muttered Malfoy but there was an odd glint in his eye.

“Don't get me wrong,” said Hermione quickly. “I still think you are a mean, vile, selfish bastard but because of your decision to switch sides and give information to the Order, a lot of people who would have been killed were saved.”

“I hope I'm not responsible for saving either of the Weasley twins,” he replied crossly.

Hermione couldn't help smiling just a bit.

When they finally reached the Great Hall, Malfoy growled, “Now what?”

“Do I need to sing it for you?” asked Hermione sarcastically. “We deck the halls.”

“And how exactly do we do that without magic?”

“With this,” said Hermione, holding up a hammer.

“I don't know how to use that.”

“You've never used a hammer before?”

“No. Have you?”

“Well, no,” admitted Hermione, “but I know how to use it in theory. All you have to do is whack it.”

“You mean, all you have to do is whack it. I'll hold the ladder.”

“Like I'd trust you to hold the ladder.”

“And yet you would trust me with the whacking part?”

“Fine,” snapped Hermione, grabbing some nails, “but you'd better hold it steady.”

“On my honor as a Head Boy,” replied Malfoy, crossing his hand over his chest in a not quite solemn fashion.

Hermione glared at him and started climbing the tall ladder. When she reached just above his head, he started violently shaking the ladder, yelling, “Earthquake!”

Hermione shrieked and held on tightly to the ladder. In a moment of terror (and anger), Hermione “accidentally” dropped the hammer.

“Ow!” yelped Malfoy, hopping on one foot.

“Oops,” said Hermione, looking down on him with a smirk. “You're lucky that missed your big head.”

“You, bitch. That hurt.”

“Serves you right. Quit messing around. Now, hand me that hammer, so we can get this over with.”

Malfoy muttered something under his breath, but he handed her the hammer.

“It is kind of funny that Professor Dumbledore took away our wands, so we wouldn't hurt one another and yet he trusts us with a hammer.”

“Yeah, real funny,” said Malfoy sarcastically. “Just more proof that Dumbledore's a loon.”

“He's not a loon. He's eccentric.”

“Same thing. And now he has those crazy Weasel twits working as his evil minions. This year is going to be worse than last year, and I didn't think that was possible.”

“I wonder what kind of House Unity project the twins are working on?”

“Who cares?” said Malfoy, shoving the holly at her. “They said they earned extra credit for Herbology. I can't think of anything more boring except maybe your knickers.”

“If you're looking up my skirt, I swear...” said Hermione, brandishing her hammer.

“Please. I've seen it all before. And in much better packaging. I mean, white knickers? Really? Can you get any more cliché?”

“Can you get any more immature? And speaking of that, don't think I didn't notice that you tried to change the holly berries to your own House colors. Kind of shoddy charm work though. Most of the berries are still red and the others look more white than silver.”

“Why would I waste my time doing that? I don't hate the color red. I just hate the people who wear it. And I don't have a wand, remember?”

“You could have done it earlier,” grumbled Hermione, taking out her frustrations as she hammered the holly into the wall. “It is odd though. White berries kind of remind me of... Oh shit!”

“Fuck, Granger! You almost hit my head that time!”

“I think I just discovered what the twins' Herbology extra credit is.”

“And that warrants almost killing me!”

“Yes, it most certainly does. Where did you get this holly?”

“From that purple box.”

“You idiot! That's a Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes box. Do you know what kind of plant has white berries? Mistletoe. And we are standing right under it.”

“Not anymore,” said Malfoy, jumping out of the way, almost knocking down the ladder. “You can't make me kiss you,” he huffed, scratching angrily at his neck.

Hermione scratched her arm and looked back at the holly with dread. “Leaves of three, let it be.”

“Why are you speaking in riddles?” snapped Malfoy, trying to scratch his back.

“It's a warning. Plants with three leaves cause itchy, painful rashes. Poison ivy mainly grows in North America, but some idiots have brought it into England.”

“We imported it,” said the twins, standing in the doorway.

“Like our Herbology extra credit?" asked Fred. "It's a hybrid of holly, mistletoe and poison ivy.”

“We've been itching to try it out,” added George, grinning.

Hermione climbed down from the ladder. “We'd better take this holly to Madam Pomfrey to see if she can sort this out.”

“Would you like us to tell you the cure?” asked Fred, smirking.

“I know the cure,” snapped Hermione, pushing past them. “I want a second opinion!”

“Not you two again,” said Madam Pomfrey by way of greeting when they finally reached the Hospital Wing.

“I'm afraid so,” said Hermione sheepishly.

“What is it this time?” Madam Pomfrey asked with a sigh. “Verbal diarrhea? Shrunken genitalia? Tri-colored urination? Pain in the buttocks?”

Hermione and Malfoy snickered at their own cleverness but then turned serious when they showed her the purple box. “It's holly,” they said with a scratch.

Madam Pomfrey peered inside the box and looked curiously at the holiday greenery. “Leaves of three, let it be. Berries of white, kiss tonight. Holly that's tainted, get acquainted.”

“Is that a proverb or a prophecy?” Hermione asked.

“Neither. I read it on this advert that Mr. Filch confiscated from the Weasley twins,” Madam Pomfrey replied, holding up the flyer.

Hermione read it with a furrowed brow. “So, we really have to...”

“Kiss,” finished Madam Pomfrey. “I hope you weren't thinking of using one of my beds for that kind of nonsense.”

“No, of course not! We were hoping you had a nasty-tasting potion that would stop the itching or...”

“Help us grow new skin,” Malfoy finished. They both looked at her expectantly.

“You would rather go through the excruciatingly painful process of growing new skin than to kiss one another?” asked Madam Pomfrey in disbelief.

Hermione and Malfoy looked at one another and then back at Madam Pomfrey and nodded their heads.

Madam Pomfrey stared at them for a moment with one eyebrow raised and then almost immediately pointed toward the door. “Out.”

“But... but we're infected.”

“There's nothing wrong with you that a good snog won't take care if. Why don't you go off and find a nice broom closet? That's right. Off you go,” she said, ushering them out of the room before slamming the door in their shocked faces.

“Now what?” asked Malfoy.

“We go to the library.”

“Is that your answer for everything?”

“No. It's where I find my answer for everything. I was thinking we could look up the potion for growing new skin and brew it ourselves.”

“Are you crazy? I'm not trusting you with my perfect alabaster skin.”

“I'm the smartest witch of my age.”

“You're a teenager. That's not saying much.”

“Well, what do you propose?”

“I think weshouldjustkiss,” mumbled Malfoy.

“What?”

“I said... I think we should kiss!”

“Absolutely not.”

“I can't stop thinking about it. All I want to do is kiss you. You have never looked more attractive to me than you do right now.”

That statement so shocked Hermione that she froze mid-scratch and untangled her hand from her messy hair. “You're not serious.”

“Obviously, I am temporarily delusional, and I'm going to regret this in the morning, but yes.”

“Oh. My. God,” gasped Hermione, her mouth dropping open. She slowly backed away from him, scared to make any sudden movements.

Malfoy stalked closer to her until he finally backed her into a wall. “What do you say, Granger? Do you have an itch you want to scratch?”

“No,” squeaked Hermione. “I'm good.”

“Are you sure about that?” asked Malfoy, gliding his fingertips torturously up her arm before giving her a good scratch along her shoulder blade.

Hermione couldn't help letting out a moan. That one scratch felt better than anything she had ever experienced before. It was better than sex. It was even better than getting perfect O's.

“That's right,” said Malfoy. “You know you want it.”

“No,” whimpered Hermione, trying to resist, but then he hit that perfect spot in the middle of her back that she could never quite reach. “Oh yes! Yes! Give it to me, Malfoy. A little higher, no lower. That's it. Right there. Ohhhhhhhh.”

Malfoy took her hand and placed it on his back. “Now scratch it,” he commanded. “Harder. Harder. Yes! Yes! Now let me see you scratch yourself. That's it. Does it feel good? Tell me how it feels.”

“It feels sooo good.”

Hermione's fingers were entwined in Malfoy's no longer perfect hair scratching his scalp when he whispered seductively, “I want to kiss you.”

Suddenly coming to her senses, Hermione pushed him away. “No,” she said stubbornly.

“You'd rather hump my leg than kiss me?” he asked in disbelief.

Hermione stopped mid-hump. “Apparently.”

“Are you fucking insane?”

“Look, it's nothing against you, although I don't find you attractive in the slightest, but if I kiss you, they win, and I am not letting that happen.”

“So, you don't want to kiss me because you don't want the twins to win?”

Hermione nodded. “And because I find you repulsive.”

Malfoy smoothed back his messy hair. “Alright, I can respect that. Losing to Weasleys isn't something I want to do either. And I too find you repulsive. I would also like to add annoying and grating to the list. However, that does not erase the fact that I'm still itching like crazy.”

“I think we need to get our minds off of it.”

“And how do you suggest we do that?”

“By hanging holly.”

“What!”

“We need a distraction. And maybe if we complete the job, the itching will stop.”

“Fine,” he said grudgingly. “Before we go, do you want to...”

“No.”

“Ugh. How can girls turn it off so quickly?”

“We can't. We just have more will power.”

“Yeah, you sure had a lot of will power earlier, didn't you, Granger?”

“Shut up, Malfoy.”

Hermione and Malfoy had just finished hanging their second bough of holly when Winky stumbled in and interrupted them.

“Winky? Are you alright?” asked Hermione in concern, scratching her chin.

“I is just looking for the butterbeer miss. That horrible elf Dobby hid it from Winky. Winky is needing the butterbeer.”

“Oh dear,” said Hermione. “I don't think butterbeer is the answer. What you need is something to eat.”

“Yes, miss.”

“Come on, Granger,” Malfoy called, scratching under his arm. “This holly isn't going to hang itself.”

“It's more likely to hang itself than be hung by you,” she retorted.

“I'm not doing all the work.”

“You're not doing any work.”

“I took it out of the box, didn't I?”

“Do you really want to take credit for that? I am trying to help Winky here!”

“Well, do it on your own time.”

“You are an insensitive git.” Hermione turned her attention back to Winky and immediately yelled at her. “Winky! Stop that right now,” she admonished, trying to slap the holly berries out of her hand.

“Miss tell Winky to eat,” said Winky, holding on tight to the berries.

“Malfoy, pin her down while I pry the berries from her hand!”

“I think I've had the wrong impression of Spew. Perhaps you'd like my father to join to help you strong arm the elves.”

“Holly berries are poisonous!”

“Fuck, Granger! What were you thinking?” exclaimed Malfoy, tackling Winky.

“I didn't mean for her to eat holly berries! See if they're still in her mouth!”

“Ow! Fuck! She bit me! I think she swallowed them!”

“Oh my God! I've poisoned a house-elf! What are we going to do?” asked Hermione, starting to hyperventilate.

“Snap out of it!” yelled Malfoy. “Are you the founder of S.P.E.W. or what? Make her spew. Make her fucking spew!”

With a look of determination, Hermione reached into her pocket for the Puking Pastilles she had confiscated from the twins. While Malfoy held Winky's head, Hermione shoved in the puking half of a pastille. Winky immediately started vomiting all over the floor.

“I can't believe you've killed a house-elf,” said Malfoy, starting to pace. “I'm going to get blamed for this. It's going to be last year all over again.”

Hermione was about to yell at him for thinking of himself instead of poor Winky, but then she saw his face and knew that it was really Professor Dumbledore he was thinking about. “We won't let her die. Madame Pomfrey will know what to do.”

“Alright, Granger,” said Malfoy, finally stopping pacing. “I think we've tortured her enough. Hand me the other half of that Puking Pastille, and I'll shove it down her throat.”

After being wrestled to the floor by Malfoy, Winky glared up at her saviors and said, “Now Winky really need a butterbeer.”

“You're not looking so well, Winky. We'll take you to Madam Pomfrey. I don't think you're in any condition to Apparate. It's the least we can do. Right, Malfoy?”

Malfoy didn't answer. He was too busy staring at the puke on his hands and looking like he might vomit himself. “Who's going to clean this up?” he complained.

Winky scowled at him but nevertheless vanished the mess. To Hermione's surprise, Malfoy thanked her. Then he picked up the disgruntled elf, and once again, they headed to the Hospital Wing.

“Now, what did you do?” asked Madam Pomfrey with her hands on her hips as she watched Malfoy set down the house-elf.

“Why are you looking at me?” asked Malfoy, getting defensive. “She's the one who poisoned her.”

“I did not. At least I don't think I did,” said Hermione, close to tears. “I only meant that she should eat something. I didn't know she would eat the holly berries.”

“Winky feel bad,” groaned the house-elf. “Winky need butterbeer.”

“That's odd,” said Madam Pomfrey, coming to take a closer look at the elf. “Holly berries aren't poisonous to house-elves.”

“They're... they're not?” stammered Hermione.

“No. In fact, house-elves often eat holly berries around this time of year. Are you sure she didn't eat anything else that could make her feel sick?”

Hermione and Malfoy exchanged guilty looks. Hermione stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out the Puking Pastilles.

“Are those what I think they are?”asked Madam Pomfrey sternly. Hermione could only nod. Madam Pomfrey scowled at the both of them and pointed to the door once again. “Out.”

“At least we forgot about the itching for a while,” said Hermione, scratching her knee.

“Yeah, maybe we should go poison Weasels now.”

“Listen, I want to thank you.”

“For what? Assisting you in almost killing a house-elf?”

“No. For trying to save a house-elf. You showed real compassion for Winky. I'm tempted to make you an honorary member of S.P.E.W.”

“No thanks. Your club is kind of gross.”

Hermione laughed. “Yeah, I might have to rethink it a bit.”

“So do you want to...”

“No,” said Hermione, walking toward the Great Hall.

They were on their third and final bough of holly when the twins walked in.

“How's the House Unity project coming along?” asked Fred.

Hermione lowered the bough of holly she was about to nail in and looked suspiciously at the twins. “What House Unity project?” she asked, scratching her head.

“The one you're unwittingly taking part in,” quipped George.

“This is your idea of a House Unity project?” asked Hermione, scowling. “Contaminated holly?”

“We call it Holly Hijinx. And it makes you want to unite, doesn't it?”

“No, it makes me want to scratch my eyes out. And Malfoy's. You two are idiots. What were you thinking?”

“Dumbledore thought if he could unite the Head Boy and Head Girl from opposing Houses that the rest of the school would follow. But all you do is fight. So, he enlisted our help. And we thought, what better way to get you together than to make you kiss?” explained Fred.

“We're such romantics,” sighed George. “It's a wonder we don't have girlfriends.”

“Dumbledore's been trying to set us up? That manipulative bastard!”

“Malfoy!” reprimanded Hermione. “That's no way to talk about our Headmaster. I'm sure his intentions were good. Although his plan is a little too reminiscent of _Romeo and Juliet_ for me. Particularly since they both die in the end.”

“Dumbledore did say there might be sacrifices.”

"For the greater good and all."

“So, this was all some elaborate plan to make us get along? Even Winky?”

“Winky was your fault. We try to stay away from torturing house-elves. That's what first years are for.”

“Besides,” added George. “Puking isn't romantic.”

“Like itching is romantic,” retorted Hermione sarcastically. “Your plan is ridiculous. Even if we do kiss, and I'm not saying we will, it won't mean anything.”

“It doesn't have to mean anything. Everyone just has to think it does. That's the genius of it.”

“But we would actually have to admit we did it for your plan to work.”

“That's where the jinx comes in. Holly Hi-jinx. Get it?”

“What kind of jinx?” asked Hermione warily.

“It was Dumbledore's idea. He took that jinx you used on Marietta Edgecombe and reversed it.”

“A Reverse Snitch Jinx. That manipulative bastard!” Hermione fumed.

“Tsk-tsk, Granger. Where's your respect now?”

“He lost it when he used my own jinx against me.”

“Well, it's very not fun or useful if you kiss and don't tell," Fred pointed out.

“I'm not telling anyone I kissed a... a Gryffindor,” sputtered Malfoy.

“Then you'll have a permanent reminder of it across your forehead.”

“I'll kiss and tell,” Hermione snapped. “I'll kiss and tell everyone what a horrible kisser he is.”

“Well, I'll kiss and tell everyone how you tricked me into kissing you by hanging mistletoe over my head.”

“And I'll kiss and tell everyone that you didn't notice the mistletoe because you were too busy looking up my skirt!”

“And I'll kiss and tell everyone that I only looked up your skirt, so I didn't have to look at your face!”

“Now, that's hardly in the spirit of House Unity,” began Fred.

“Fuck House Unity!” they both yelled.

“Now, there's the united front we're looking for,” quipped George.

“You really want us to join forces?” Hermione raged. “Well, how about I join Malfoy in shirking my Head duties. I hereby delegate you two to finish decorating the Great Hall.” And with that, she dumped the holly on their heads.

Malfoy looked at the Weasley twins and then back at Hermione, his lips curling up in a cruel smile. “So, does this mean we can go snog now?”

“Yes, but don't think this makes me your girlfriend,” she snapped

“Like I was asking,” huffed Malfoy, following her out of the Great Hall.

“Hmm. Not as romantic as I thought it would be,” said Fred thoughtfully. “Maybe we should have went with the Passion Poinsettias.”

“Still, I'd say our House Unity project was a success.”

“Unfortunately, they united against us,” said Fred, scratching the back of his neck.

“Sorry, boys,” said Dumbledore from the wall, his eyes twinkling. “But I did warn you there might be some sacrifices.”

“We were kind of thinking you meant them though,” muttered George, scratching his cheek, but Dumbledore was already conveniently sleeping.

“So,” said Fred, grinning. “With or without tongues?”

“Kiss my ass,” answered George.

The now retired Headmaster snorted in his sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. I know it wasn't very romantic, but I had fun with it. Perhaps they ended up doing it in the broom closet. You never can tell with those two! Thanks for reading!


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